Get out of "The Doghouse" with your Pro-Domme

The most severe punishment a Dominant can impose upon you is the withdraw of her attentions. When you have genuinely "fucked up," instead of a sound whipping or a beating -- your Dom or Mistress will simply stop answering your calls, texts, emails, etc.

You're getting the silent treatment. You're "in the doghouse." And this is not a good thing.

The first thing you need to realize is that you have done something wrong, and you need to make amends for it. Men, particularly, have a notoriously hard time realizing when they need to look carefully at their behavior and correct it. Men are prideful, even the submissive ones. And many men are willing to let pride get in the way of their own happiness. Think of it this way: By not apologizing, when your Mistress turns her back on you, when you are alone and faced with seeking a new Mistress or play partner, do you think you've really "won" anything? By ignoring you, by not speaking to you at all, she has the ultimate last word.

Would you rather be right, and alone -- or wrong, and with someone who loves you and can take away your pain?

When you have an argument with a vanilla lover, you simply bring flowers and apologize, perhaps make some small amends for what you did wrong. But if you've been seeing a professional Mistress, you have to consider that this is her JOB as well as a hassle for her, so you have extra work to do.

Firstly, consider her hourly rate. Then, imagine, during the 'argument' or 'incident', how many minutes of hers did you waste? Did you send her emails that would've taken her 10, 20 minutes to read? A few IM messages? A phone call? Add to that a good 20 minutes she probably spent trying to decide what to do about your misbehavior, and then you have your first step. Compensating her for her TIME spent dealing with your poor behavior.

Figure out a $$$ amount, and then try to get that amount to her in cash. A cash card, a Niteflirt tribute (though keep in mind that Niteflirt and similar services take out 35%), or an Amazon gift card is probably the best you can do, unless she's previously instructed you in other ways to get cash to her.

That, however, only compensates her for her time spent on you. It does not cover making amends for what you did wrong.

So now, you need to figure out the best tribute to make that will prove, beyond a doubt, that you've recognized your wrong doing. A gift is in order. Flowers are traditional, but for a D/s relationship, you may want something a bit more unconventional. You want to make amends, and remind her that you are capable of bringing her pleasure or amusement. So, if you are a foot slave, perhaps buying her some new shoes. If you and her once had an amazing CBT session, perhaps a small trinket of a book about CBT.

In addition to that, you need to send something that signifies that you are ready to change. Perhaps a book or a poem that represents how you feel, or something that she'd wanted from you for a long time that you neglected to get for her.

I have a client that made a bet with me to buy something for me if he couldn't resist jacking his cock for a week while he was in Paris. Two weeks later, I scolded him on instant messenger for not even REPORTING whether or not he'd succeeded or failed. He made excuses about his mother being sick and needing his money to help pay for her bills -- but I was still furious. Why? Because he didn't respect me or trust me enough to call, email, IM, etc and say, "Mistress, I need to back out of this because I am in financial need and my mother is sick." Instead, he skulked off and avoided me in shame. I am a reasonable person: If he'd communicated with me, I would have responded favorably. But now, in order to win my favor, he would need to buy that item, pay for my time, and probably buy something above and beyond it to remind me of the happier times we had together.

There are many reasons why a loyal submissive may start behaving poorly. Usually, it is a way of acting out. They may be having family trouble. They may be feeling guilt -- for submitting to a woman, for betraying their wife, for any number of things going on. They may just struggle with their role in BDSM and not know how to stay submissive at all times. Regardless of why you misbehaved, trying to lash out against your Mistress is not the way to handle it: That is the cowards way out. If you are considering ending your relationship with her, end it fairly and honestly, not with passive aggressive behavior. Do not waste your Mistresses time while you are struggling with your own inner turmoil -- it will not bring either of you any closer to happiness.

If you have made amends financially for your behavior, it is time to address a letter to your Mistress. Accept fault for your poor behavior. Apologize for as much of what you did as you honestly believe you did wrong. And if you, when carefully looking at what you did, can find nothing wrong, you may consider saying, "Mistress, I do not feel what I did was wrong, but I am suffering to know that I have upset you. I am sorry that my actions angered or hurt you. I will make amends and do my best to avoid ever upsetting you in this way again, because my opinions are not what is important here. What is important is your happiness." .... But be careful, there. Usually, it is only pride preventing you from realizing what you did poorly. She may not take kindly to you sneakily defending your actions....

Be sure to conclude the letter telling her how to contact you with further instructions. At this point, it is up to her to discipline you -- she may choose to beat you, to take away a privilege, to ask for further tribute, or give you a difficult task to complete. Or, she may want to have a serious relationship talk with you or even go to therapy with you, if you had a close long term relationship! It's up to her, now.

The exceptions to that are if you refused an order you felt was unsafe, of course. If your Mistress ordered you to do something you feel could've hurt you, or that was simply beyond what you are willing to do as a submissive (and most importantly, she KNEW that -- you can't suddenly decide tickling is a hard limit just because you don't like it that day!) .... then find a different Mistress. No need to insult, argue, etc with the woman who was endangering you -- just move on.

If you succeed, all goes well and you are forgiven, remember you have now had "one strike." Some Mistresses may only allow one or two large mistakes, others will forgive you two or three times. But regardless, you may be in a trial period for years before your Mistress trusts you again. Be careful not to allow similar behavior to happen again. For one -- your Mistress will tire of you, and for two -- your bank account may well not be able to afford it.

For further reading, here are some resources designed for the more... vanilla... doghouse situations:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2255433_out-doghouse.html

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Out-of-the-Dog-House

http://factoidz.com/how-to-get-out-of-the-doghouse-with-or-without-choco...